How I spent my November.

It's been a crazy month. On the first day of November, my beloved dog Homer had a freak accident and dislocated his right hip. After a very expensive overnight stay at the animal E.R. Homer returned home in an Elmer Sling and a fentanyl patch having had his hip forced back into place. Unfortunately, over the next five days, Homer's hip reluxated and he had to undergo more x-rays and it was decided that Homer needed a total hip replacement procedure.




Homer went in for surgery on Tuesday, November 10, but after being anesthetized and prepped, it was realized that he had a rash from his sling that could lead to infection, so poor Homer had to wait a week with his hip still dislocated until November 17 when he finally received his new titanium hip.


Thankfully, the surgery was successful, and after 2 more days in the hospital, Homer was able to come home with his new bionic hip:




As you can imagine, I am so happy to have Homer back home and that he is on the mend and expected to make a full recovery. The problem is, the accident ended up being VERY expensive and has put me into debt. In order to attempt to climb out of said debt hole, I've set up an online store with some Homer related couture and mugs and stuff hoping that most of my friends and internet friends would buy something, which of course would help me pay off some of said debt.

I encourage you to please browse the store and buy something and try to forward this info on to others so that they might purchase something too, helping to cover some of my sweet Homedog's medical bills:

Here is the Online Store


Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for all of the kind words, positive thoughts and general kindness somany of you have given me and Homer.

I'd rather be here. . .

98 degrees in Burbank, I wish Homer and I were at the beach.

a few positives because sometimes I sound like a whiney bitch.

1) My girlfriend is rad and I appreciate her on so many levels.
2) My dog (and above-mentioned girlfriend's dogs) are super cute, so are our rats.
3) The NBA season is right around the corner.

What a shitty week!

I really thought my week was awful until I saw this video and was so grateful I wasn't that guy.

I mean, I had a business deal go sour, my trust in a couple of friends was put in question, I found out my ex-girlfriend is STILL mentioning me in her comedy act (not favorably mentioned and this all comes after she swore she wouldn't mention me in her act, and then I politely asked her to stop after I found out the first time- Hey, ex-girlfriend, if you are reading this, I was seriously considering making fliers with some of the pictures I have of you completely naked and posting them at every comedy club in town, but I realized I didn't want to stoop to your level because I have standards about embarrassing people publicly, especially people I was in long relationships with because I have respect for myself and others).

ANYWAY, so after all of that garbage that happened, I am very happy that I am not handling it like the guy in the video above and I can feel very good about myself knowing that I treat others the way I want to be treated even if said people did awful things to me. A little kindness and positive thought can go a long way.

Match.com really has no idea how to market itself.

Wow, okay, so Junkfoodie, you're an all American boy and you love cheeseburgers. Check. Now all the single women out there know there's a site where they can meet a guy that will take them to Hamburger Hamlet (at best) 5 nights a week. Then the voiceover comes in and informs these lucky women that they can meet someone "special," while at the same time "Junkfoodie" dances and hoots like a fucking idiot.

That's a buttload of win, ad-fucking-wizard-fucktards. I don't blame the actor. He's an actor, I mean shit, I have a friend who did male-enhancement commercials and was put under the impression that they would only air in Canada. Well, they lied to him and I saw my poor actor friend portrayed as a guy who had everything but a functioning penis. This poor guy in this match.com ad probably trained at Oxford and his read on the character was, "oh! I'm playing a douchbag." I mean, with that copy, who wouldn't make that assumption.

The biggest surprise here though is that I was able to find this piece of shit commercial on youtube so easily. The comments are hilarious. Lot's of "Canz I haz Chezberger?" jokes. Good times.

Wow, so as it turns out, John Travolta used to be thin. Seriously though, I know it's the director's fault, but isn't he showering awfully close to that other dude?

It's official! I made up a word!

Yup, I know, I'm a very important person now. See it all here.

Too Much Information

So It's 4:30am. I'm super gassy. The kind of gassy that dragged me out of bed into the living room to post this. I wish I could say that they had a pungent, awesome aroma, but sadly, they just make a lot of noise and are very gratifying (in light of the lack of smell). My dog has been avoiding me all night, I think he thinks the 4th of July is going on in my colon.

That is all. I am sorry that you had to read this.


p.s. I have invented a new term: Fartsomnia. I put it on urbandictionary.com, now we wait for approval. More to come.

Oh No He Didn't!

Has Chia gone too far? Chia Obama is now available. I don't know why I find this so unflattering and disrespectful, but I do. At the same time, I need to buy 100 of these because in 10 years they'll be worth $1000 a piece on EBAY. Check it out for yourself at http://www.chiaobama.com.

American Buddhists; Is Buddism the new Christianity?

American Buddhist, originally uploaded by emptysquare.

Here's a thought: Remember when Buddhism was cool because it wasn't like other religions. You didn't have that one person at a dinner party telling you how much better your life would be if you just let go of your attachment to material things and accepted their impermanence and that you could find the strength to get through any situation by seeking the power of meditation.

Don't get me wrong; I like the idea of Buddhism, but I'm conflicted because I also have such a huge distaste for organized religion. Religion is and has been one of the leading causes of war, hatred and bigotry in recorded history. Religion can also be one of the most offensive things a person with their own defined spiritual boundaries can be confronted by. When I was 7, my family moved to Cerritos, CA, which at the time was a bit of a cow-town. It was a wonderland of brand new track homes sold to a community of rednecks who all moved further into the desert the moment the first Mexican and Chinese families bought homes there. Anyway, as a nice Jewish boy (the only Jewish boy) in my class, I was shocked when who I thought was my best friend warned me that I would burn in hell if I didn't accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior. [Yes, a 7 year old said that to me, like I said, a wonderland.] So I have my own personal issues about people attacking others with their religious views.

That all being said; have American Buddhists become like modern-era born-again Christians? Do Americans even have the wiring to shed their narcissism in order to enable them to function as true Buddhists? Come on, the irony of an "om" symbol sticker on the back of a brand new BMW isn't lost on me; neither is the irony of someone talking your ear off about how much better your life could be if you found your center through the teachings of the Buddha - but is that irony even visible to those who perpetuate it?

If someone sent you an event invite on Facebook (by the way, if you aren't familiar at this point with the way Facebook works, then there is no saving you. Even my parents are on Facebook, get with the program) Okay, so say you received a Facebook invite to some kind of Christian, Catholic or Jewish group meeting (assuming that you are not a practicing member of said religion) offering an opportunity to learn more about said religion. There is a good chance that you would either be offended or very dismissive of said invite. Now imagine you received that same invite, but it was for a Buddhist retreat or a Buddhism information gathering, would you feel the same way? Do you think that's how shit goes down in Tibet? This is less about Buddhism, I suppose and maybe even less about organized religion, but it definitely about how Americans epically fail at taking something beautiful and incorporating it into our culture and how hipster douchebags can take all the fun out of studying something interesting.

I will continue to practice my own meditation but this will undoubtedly keep me among the masses that keeps their own spirituality and does not wear it like a superhero cape, lean on it like a crutch or stand on it like a pedestal so I can look down on those who don't stand there with me.

Hi, my name is Shaq. Please pay attention to me.

I love Shaq. I hated him like an ex girlfriend after a bad breakup when he left the Lakers, but 5 years later I can admit, I never got over him. Here he is making the long drive across his property from the guest house to the main house.

Eat a dick, Valentine's Day, you can't kill me or my car!

I hate Valentine's Day; not for any real emotional or romantic reason, specifically, it's because it is the worst day of the year for me and my car. Which is ironically probably the most stable relationship I have with any one person or thing. I live in Los Angeles, I am entirely dependent on my car to get anywhere. My car and I have been through so much together in the 8 years we've known each other. Road trips (my car loves Vegas), romantic evenings (wink wink), fine dining and to make it even better, my car and my dog get along great, so I can hang out with them both and it's all good.

Unfortunately, V.D. (Valentine's Day) is trying to undo my autopian existence regularly every February 14th, at least for the last 4 years.

First, in Feb of 2006, I was t-boned by a very inattentive transgendered person in a Daewoo who had to be going at least 75 miles an hour up Vine and never even tried to hit the brakes. My poor guy was all banged up from fender to back door and I was entirely twisted from skull to sacrum. Even though the accident could have been avoided entirely for about 30 seconds before the impact, I was still held liable and probably bought his/her new vagina.

Then in 2007, I came outside at 8am to go to work and I had the dreaded Denver Boot on my car. After cab/bus/walking downtown to the spot I found out I had to pay in cash (exact change actually, can you believe it) and I didn't have $650 laying around in large bills so I had to hoof it a couple of miles to the bank and back and wait in line again only to wait several hours for the boot to be removed.

In 2008, I said "fuck it" and locked the car in the driveway and myself in my house to make sure we were both out of harm's way and it worked! I had planned to do the same thing this year but V.D. got the jump on me. On my way home today while stopped on Cahuenga, I was rear-ended by a lovely old Armenian codger in a 84 Tercel. My only problem with this whole thing is that he obviously can barely afford an increase in his insurance and he seemed like a nice guy. Why can't I ever get hit by a really rich guy in a really expensive car? I like my odds of being handed 10k in bills and Bearer Bonds on the spot. Back in like 1996, I was driving down Santa Monica blvd in Beverly Hills when a huge red Hummer flipped a U turn in front of me and almost killed me and my 89 Lebaron. When I looked at the driver to make eye-contact for a proper "F You" I realized in was Arnold Schwarzenegger and I probably should have let him hit me.

Anyway, I have to call my insurance company and set up an appt. for an estimate. Thanks a bunch Valentine's Day, you totally can suck a bag of dicks.

Grosse Point Blank:12 Years Later

So I like movies - okay, in all fairness, I watch movies and sometimes I like them. Part of me thinks, because of what I do and what I hope to do, that if someone went through all of the trouble to make a film (trust me, it's very, very difficult- allow me to go on a tangent; So let's say you have an idea for a company you want to start and you need $1 million to start said company. Once that company is off the ground and running, in theory it should then become self-contained and generate a profit and be something to leave to your slowest child so they always have something to fall back on. No small task, right? It's not easy to get that kind of start-up capital even if you have a sure-fire business plan that is guaranteed to make 300 times the initial investment. Now imagine you want to start a business that will only exist for about 6-16 months, will only generate 1 product that will have to subjectively appeal to a mass audiences and then said company will go away like it never existed, but hopefully continue to draw equity from this one "product." That is what it's like to get a budget to make an independent film. Sorry, as I was saying. . .) If someone went through all of that trouble to make a film, and it's on cable and I can DVR and watch it when there is absolutely nothing else to do, dog-gone-it, I'm gonna watch it!

Anyway, so about a week ago I was suffering through some insomnia and I was flipping through the channels (not specifically looking for Skinemax, fyi) and I came in about 30 minutes in to Grosse Point Blank (or GPB if you're not square [doing that thing with my index fingers, kinda outlining a square] ) and I realized that I actually liked this movie. So I set a timer and sat down tonight and watched the entire film for the first time since 1998. The first time I saw it I believe was on DVD (and it had to be like the 3rd DVD I ever saw if I'm correct) and I remember seeing it with my ex-girlfriend when we first started dating. This girlfriend had actually used one of her "name 3 celebrities you get a pass to sleep with should the occasion ever arise" on John Cusack, so I had that going for me. In all fairness, though, we both had quirky choices. Mine were Sarah Silverman, Parker Posey & Milla Jovovich



(which in retrospect, I maybe could have done better than that but I made my bed and I slept in it(with my GF, never my celebrity crush). I believe her 3 where Cusack, Dick Cheney & The not-so-tall guy from the Station Agent

- but I might be wrong about the last two and maybe my picks were more like Jenna Jameson, Tia Carrere and Betty White, but none of that really matters right now.

Where was I? Oh that's right, GPB:
Now I can talk about the metaphors: Contract killing is like any job you hate but you do for the money, you can't go home again, Michigan sucks balls (okay, not really a metaphor), but I'm going to spare you that. I'll sum up in a few sentences what would have been a painful to watch sequel- where would Marty and Debi be now, 12 years later?

So let's say Marty has been out of the killing game for 12 years. He had some cash saved up, but not enough for 60 years of retirement (by the way, anyone else not buying the idea that Cusack was 28? I mean, I forgot about it midway through act 1, but they keep reminding you that he's only supposed to be 28 every time they say "high school" or "reunion" or "high school reunion" or "10 year high school reunion"). Let's say he and Debi open a little bed and breakfast somewhere in Maine or Vermont or even Northern California, do they have kids? Are we to believe that Marty would never feel that urge to kill again? Take it from Homer Duklau, once you've had that taste of blood on your lips, you thirst for it. So let's say Marty starts "taking care" of guest he doesn't like. It starts with one guy who refused to pay for his ppv Porn, next thing he's whacking a guy for double dipping at the Continental breakfast. Maybe he even gets Debi into it, maybe it even becomes the only way they can get off. I saw movies in the mid 90's, they were all about disenfranchised young couples shooting and fucking their way across the country. By the way, interesting fact, my ex had the opportunity with Dick Cheney, but he can only get it up if he fucks on a pile of dead babies. True Story.

So what's to become of this iconic silver-screen couple? I mean this was a big panty dropper back in the late 90's. Almost like post baby-boomer version of Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca. Even guys got a little soft on the plot because everybody has someone they still felt for - someone they hurt because they were young and stupid. We could all relate, but the fact is, most likely Marty and Debi got into a fight a month later in a hotel room in Laughlin, NV over something stupid like which buffet they were going to eat at and Marty put a fucking bullet in her head and buried her in the desert. I know! It's awful, but he's a killer and they never really had a relationship built on trust, at least that's how I see it. By the way, my guess is that Piven's character had a massive coronary at a Spearmint Rhino like 5 days after the reunion.

. . .And we're back

Cruel. Cruel that my short winter break is over. Cruel that I now have to return to work to cheery, "Happy New Year" greetings from people. I suppose I could have gotten some blogging done over break, but I bought Rock Band 2 and that's where my time went. Okay, my producer just showed up, so now I actually have to work.