Wow, so as it turns out, John Travolta used to be thin. Seriously though, I know it's the director's fault, but isn't he showering awfully close to that other dude?

It's official! I made up a word!

Yup, I know, I'm a very important person now. See it all here.

Too Much Information

So It's 4:30am. I'm super gassy. The kind of gassy that dragged me out of bed into the living room to post this. I wish I could say that they had a pungent, awesome aroma, but sadly, they just make a lot of noise and are very gratifying (in light of the lack of smell). My dog has been avoiding me all night, I think he thinks the 4th of July is going on in my colon.

That is all. I am sorry that you had to read this.


p.s. I have invented a new term: Fartsomnia. I put it on urbandictionary.com, now we wait for approval. More to come.

Oh No He Didn't!

Has Chia gone too far? Chia Obama is now available. I don't know why I find this so unflattering and disrespectful, but I do. At the same time, I need to buy 100 of these because in 10 years they'll be worth $1000 a piece on EBAY. Check it out for yourself at http://www.chiaobama.com.

American Buddhists; Is Buddism the new Christianity?

American Buddhist, originally uploaded by emptysquare.

Here's a thought: Remember when Buddhism was cool because it wasn't like other religions. You didn't have that one person at a dinner party telling you how much better your life would be if you just let go of your attachment to material things and accepted their impermanence and that you could find the strength to get through any situation by seeking the power of meditation.

Don't get me wrong; I like the idea of Buddhism, but I'm conflicted because I also have such a huge distaste for organized religion. Religion is and has been one of the leading causes of war, hatred and bigotry in recorded history. Religion can also be one of the most offensive things a person with their own defined spiritual boundaries can be confronted by. When I was 7, my family moved to Cerritos, CA, which at the time was a bit of a cow-town. It was a wonderland of brand new track homes sold to a community of rednecks who all moved further into the desert the moment the first Mexican and Chinese families bought homes there. Anyway, as a nice Jewish boy (the only Jewish boy) in my class, I was shocked when who I thought was my best friend warned me that I would burn in hell if I didn't accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior. [Yes, a 7 year old said that to me, like I said, a wonderland.] So I have my own personal issues about people attacking others with their religious views.

That all being said; have American Buddhists become like modern-era born-again Christians? Do Americans even have the wiring to shed their narcissism in order to enable them to function as true Buddhists? Come on, the irony of an "om" symbol sticker on the back of a brand new BMW isn't lost on me; neither is the irony of someone talking your ear off about how much better your life could be if you found your center through the teachings of the Buddha - but is that irony even visible to those who perpetuate it?

If someone sent you an event invite on Facebook (by the way, if you aren't familiar at this point with the way Facebook works, then there is no saving you. Even my parents are on Facebook, get with the program) Okay, so say you received a Facebook invite to some kind of Christian, Catholic or Jewish group meeting (assuming that you are not a practicing member of said religion) offering an opportunity to learn more about said religion. There is a good chance that you would either be offended or very dismissive of said invite. Now imagine you received that same invite, but it was for a Buddhist retreat or a Buddhism information gathering, would you feel the same way? Do you think that's how shit goes down in Tibet? This is less about Buddhism, I suppose and maybe even less about organized religion, but it definitely about how Americans epically fail at taking something beautiful and incorporating it into our culture and how hipster douchebags can take all the fun out of studying something interesting.

I will continue to practice my own meditation but this will undoubtedly keep me among the masses that keeps their own spirituality and does not wear it like a superhero cape, lean on it like a crutch or stand on it like a pedestal so I can look down on those who don't stand there with me.

Hi, my name is Shaq. Please pay attention to me.

I love Shaq. I hated him like an ex girlfriend after a bad breakup when he left the Lakers, but 5 years later I can admit, I never got over him. Here he is making the long drive across his property from the guest house to the main house.

Eat a dick, Valentine's Day, you can't kill me or my car!

I hate Valentine's Day; not for any real emotional or romantic reason, specifically, it's because it is the worst day of the year for me and my car. Which is ironically probably the most stable relationship I have with any one person or thing. I live in Los Angeles, I am entirely dependent on my car to get anywhere. My car and I have been through so much together in the 8 years we've known each other. Road trips (my car loves Vegas), romantic evenings (wink wink), fine dining and to make it even better, my car and my dog get along great, so I can hang out with them both and it's all good.

Unfortunately, V.D. (Valentine's Day) is trying to undo my autopian existence regularly every February 14th, at least for the last 4 years.

First, in Feb of 2006, I was t-boned by a very inattentive transgendered person in a Daewoo who had to be going at least 75 miles an hour up Vine and never even tried to hit the brakes. My poor guy was all banged up from fender to back door and I was entirely twisted from skull to sacrum. Even though the accident could have been avoided entirely for about 30 seconds before the impact, I was still held liable and probably bought his/her new vagina.

Then in 2007, I came outside at 8am to go to work and I had the dreaded Denver Boot on my car. After cab/bus/walking downtown to the spot I found out I had to pay in cash (exact change actually, can you believe it) and I didn't have $650 laying around in large bills so I had to hoof it a couple of miles to the bank and back and wait in line again only to wait several hours for the boot to be removed.

In 2008, I said "fuck it" and locked the car in the driveway and myself in my house to make sure we were both out of harm's way and it worked! I had planned to do the same thing this year but V.D. got the jump on me. On my way home today while stopped on Cahuenga, I was rear-ended by a lovely old Armenian codger in a 84 Tercel. My only problem with this whole thing is that he obviously can barely afford an increase in his insurance and he seemed like a nice guy. Why can't I ever get hit by a really rich guy in a really expensive car? I like my odds of being handed 10k in bills and Bearer Bonds on the spot. Back in like 1996, I was driving down Santa Monica blvd in Beverly Hills when a huge red Hummer flipped a U turn in front of me and almost killed me and my 89 Lebaron. When I looked at the driver to make eye-contact for a proper "F You" I realized in was Arnold Schwarzenegger and I probably should have let him hit me.

Anyway, I have to call my insurance company and set up an appt. for an estimate. Thanks a bunch Valentine's Day, you totally can suck a bag of dicks.